7 reasons making friends as an adult feels harder than it should, according to psychology

It’s a curious thing, isn’t it? As kids, making friends was as simple as sharing a toy or a funny joke on the playground. But now, as adults, it can feel like a monumental task.

Why does it seem so much more complicated? Why does it feel like we’re trying to solve a Rubik’s cube in the dark?

Psychology offers some interesting insights into why making friends as an adult feels harder than it should.

And while it may not be as easy as sharing your favorite toy on the playground anymore, understanding these psychological aspects might just make the process a bit more manageable for you.

After all, we’re all about aligning our true selves with our actions and relationships – and that includes our friendships too!

1) It’s not you, it’s the circumstances

According to psychologists, one of the biggest reasons we struggle to make friends as adults is because our circumstances have changed.

When we were kids, we were almost constantly surrounded by other children – in school, at playdates, in sports teams.

This gave us numerous opportunities to meet new people and build relationships.

But as adults, these opportunities diminish as work, family responsibilities and personal commitments take center stage.

Famed psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “That which is most personal is most universal.”

This is particularly true when it comes to the struggles of making friends as an adult – you are not alone in feeling this way.

The good news?

Recognizing that the circumstances have changed, and not necessarily your ability to make friends, is the first step towards finding new methods and environments where you can cultivate meaningful friendships as an adult.

2) We’ve become more selective

I remember when I was a kid, I could strike up a friendship with almost anyone who would share their toys with me. But as an adult, it feels like I’ve raised the bar on who I want to be friends with.

And it’s not just me. According to psychology, as we age, we tend to become more selective in our friendships.

We’re looking for more than just shared interests or hobbies; we seek emotional depth, understanding, and mutual respect.

Renowned psychologist Abraham Maslow once said, “We may define therapy as a search for value.” In many ways, this applies to our friendships too.

As adults, we are essentially looking for relationships that add value to our lives, and that takes time and the right people.

So yes, making friends as an adult may be harder because we’ve become more selective.

But on the flip side, it also means that the friendships we do form are likely to be richer and more rewarding.

3) Fear of rejection

Let’s be honest, who enjoys the sting of rejection? It’s a tough pill to swallow at any age, but as adults, it seems to hit harder.

The fear of rejection can hold us back from reaching out and making new connections.

We might worry about coming off as desperate or needy, or we might dread the awkwardness if things don’t click.

As Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, once said, “We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love.” This can hold true for platonic love too.

The fear of opening ourselves up to potential hurt can make it challenging to make new friends.

But remember this – it’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to put yourself out there. Because the reward of finding a true friend is worth the risk.

4) We’re all busy

As adults, it feels like our to-do lists are endless. Between work commitments, family responsibilities, personal care, and the occasional time we carve out for relaxation, it’s no wonder making new friends can feel like an insurmountable task.

In fact, a study found that it takes about 200 hours of time spent together to form a close friendship.

That’s a significant time investment, especially for adults juggling various responsibilities.

The reality is, making friends isn’t just about finding the right people – it’s also about finding the time.

But don’t let that discourage you. The beauty of adult friendships is that they can form in all sorts of places – from your workplace to your yoga class to your local coffee shop.

It’s all about being open to these opportunities when they arise.

5) Prioritizing existing relationships

Let’s face it, maintaining a friendship requires effort. And when we already have a circle of friends and family, it can feel like there’s little energy left for cultivating new relationships.

I’ve definitely found myself in situations where I’ve had to choose between catching up with an old friend and meeting someone new. And more often than not, the comfort of the familiar wins.

As renowned psychologist Erich Fromm wisely said, “Man is the only animal for whom his own existence is a problem which he has to solve.”

As adults, we’re constantly juggling our responsibilities, our desires, and our relationships.

But remember, expanding your social circle doesn’t necessarily mean neglecting your existing relationships.

It’s about finding that balance where you can cherish the old while welcoming the new.

6) Our fear of being ourselves

Now, this might sound strange. You would think as we grow up, we become more comfortable in our own skin.

But interestingly, the opposite can be true when it comes to making friends as adults.

We might fear that our quirks, our opinions, or our past could deter potential friends. We might find ourselves putting on a persona to fit in or be liked.

But as Carl Jung, one of the most influential psychologists, once stated, “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”

Ironically, it’s this fear that can prevent us from forming authentic friendships. After all, true friends are those who accept and appreciate us for who we are – quirks and all.

Let’s dare to be ourselves. It might just make making friends as an adult a bit easier.

7) Lack of self-confidence

Finally, our own self-doubts can get in the way. We might question our worthiness, our likability, or our ability to be a good friend.

However, as the renowned psychologist Albert Bandura stated, “In order to succeed, people need a sense of self-efficacy.”

In other words, believe in yourself. You have what it takes to make meaningful friendships at any age. Trust in your capacity to connect and relate to others.

After all, everyone else is navigating the same complex adult world just like you.

Final reflections

The journey of making friends as an adult can often feel like a winding road, filled with unexpected detours and bumps.

It can be complex, challenging, and at times, downright frustrating.

But remember, these struggles are not unique to you. They are a universal part of the human experience that we all navigate through.

Understanding the underlying psychological reasons can offer some solace and even arm us with strategies to overcome these hurdles.

In the end, it’s about patience, authenticity, and a dose of self-confidence.

It’s about cherishing the friends we have while remaining open to the friendships that are yet to form.

So here’s to the complexity of adult friendships – may we navigate it with grace, understanding, and an open heart.