how do I care about work when my life is falling apart … and other mental health questions

I’ve long been a fan of the work of clinical psychologist Andrea Bonior, the best-selling author of Detox Your Thoughts and regular contributor to CNN, NPR, the Washington Post, and the New York Times. Her new podcast, Baggage Check: Mental Health Talk and Advice, launches today.

Andrea agreed to stop by and help answers some letters. (She did two on her own and we tackled the last one jointly.) Here we go…

1. How can I support my partner after his job loss?

My partner lost his job in May. He had been employed by one of the companies that had very public large-scale layoffs in the spring. Unfortunately, here we are in months later and his job search is still ongoing. He’s formed an LLC and is doing outreach for consulting services, filed for unemployment benefits, and is doing odd jobs to bring in some extra funds. He received one offer that was a substantial pay cut from what he had been earning, so he turned it down. He’s generated some interest in his resume and had a number of interviews. But each subsequent rejection seems to affect him more and more, regardless of the specific job or what stage of the process he got to. I’m at a loss for how to support him. I’ve tried to be a sympathetic ear, offer suggestions on things like places to apply/tweaking answers to common interview questions/etc, ask him outright what I can do, but I feel like it falls on deaf ears. Do you have any advice?

Andrea: I am truly sorry to hear this. The struggle of sudden job loss can be totally destabilizing, not just for the person who lost the job, but also for those who love them. And so my first concern is to make sure that you’re keeping an eye on your own mental health as well. It’s very easy to get pulled under when supporting someone else through challenging times, and the more preoccupied you are with the helplessness of your partner’s situation, the harder it is to remember to take care of yourself and pay attention to your own needs. You deserve support, too!

Now, communication is important in every relationship, but you are at a crossroads where it’s more crucial than ever, because without functional communication you risk increasing disconnection, which won’t help either of you get through this time. With that in mind, it strikes me that he might have a lot to say about what he needs, and what he doesn’t. No two partners are alike in terms of how they may best feel supported during a job search. Some might want line-by-line editing of their cover letter, whereas others just want their partner to assist in the mental escape of snuggling up with a documentary about the Donkey Kong World Championship. What has he said about what might help him feel best? If you haven’t yet asked, that should be next on your list.

If he’s still a pretty closed book, you might “notice out loud”—in a caring and nonjudgmental way—that things seem to be getting more stressful for him, rather than less. It’s not an accusation but rather just a gentle observation from someone who loves him, as an invitation to further discussion– if he is willing. If that’s the case, then you could point out that he seems to be getting closer and closer to finding a job by all measures, and yet he seems to be getting more discouraged. Sometimes just a simple pep talk can cause a perspective shift: like the fact that every step forward, even the ones that don’t seem to pay off immediately, still gets him closer to an eventual offer.

But I also think it’s important that we redefine expectations here. Just like you cannot directly fix this for him – you’re not a hiring manager– you also shouldn’t underestimate the day-to-day impact of what you’ve been doing already, simply in your role as a partner. Often it really is the little things like the brief moments of physical affection, the encouraging texts, the small kindnesses, or the shared laughs that provide the most meaningful support in frustrating, uncertain times. The underlying foundation of your relationship– the care, empathy, and love you show right now– is even more important than any specifics you might have to offer as an advisor or strategist. In fact, that might be why your advice feels like it is falling on deaf ears. Perhaps your role is getting too confusing, and he’ll get more from you as partner than career coach. After all, he’s already taking a lot of the steps he’s supposed to, to find the next job.

Now, by all means, if you feel that he is going about this search in a fundamentally dysfunctional way, like self-sabotaging or selling himself short, then you can gently let him know (though you can’t “fix” that if he doesn’t want to heed it). Similarly, if you are carrying feelings of resentment, it’s important that you be honest with yourself and reckon with how those might be affecting your behavior. The more insight you have into your own feelings, the easier it is to not let them cloud your actions as you decide how to best be there for him. But you also are being there for him in many ways already—and that might mean far more than you realize.

2. How do I care about work when my personal life is falling apart?

I have been at my company for a very long time (18 years) and am in senior management. My marriage is falling apart right now, and I just cannot bring myself to care about work. Or rather, sometimes it is a welcome distraction, but in general I just don’t have any energy or investment in doing more than the basics. I feel bad when people bring me exciting new ideas for the future, and my internal response is completely dismissive/exhausted. I am sure that at some point I’ll get less miserable, and presumably will be able to re-engage with work goals and enthusiasm at that point, but what advice do you have for me about how to weather this tough period right now?

Andrea: My heart goes out to you for what’s happening in your marriage. And also for how tough you seem to be on yourself—which only makes tough periods tougher.

People tend to think of work-life balance as some optimal, constant equilibrium that pays significant attention to both work and life at any given period. In truth, work-life balance is better looked at over the course of the long-term. It involves the willingness to understand that sometimes, life needs to take precedence whether we want it to or not, and balance simply can’t be found that month—or group of months– at all. In the grand scheme of things, it can eventually even out, and there’ll be plenty of times when you can hit the gas on the job again.
So, weathering this tough period begins with forgiving yourself for not being the optimal worker for a while. I promise you: that is okay. You are a whole person who needs to attend to a major part of your life right now that simply doesn’t involve memos or meetings. You’ve devoted nearly two decades of your life to this company, and given that you are in senior management, you’ve likely excelled in a lot of ways, rewarding your organization with quite a lot of value. But the fact that you’ve excelled in the past shouldn’t punish you now, nor does it disqualify you from being human. Work is only part of who you are, and sometimes the basics are enough. There are times in life when “productivity” consists of making sure that you get up in the morning and take care of your emotional and physical health, and simply check enough boxes to keep from getting fired (yup, I said it).

So, autopilot was made for situations like this. What are the must-do’s each day? Maybe make one list for the morning and one list for the afternoon. Have an additional running list of things that aren’t priorities but might be tackled if you have a bit more energy or are up for more distraction any given day. Develop scripts that help you go through the motions with less effort—like conveying enthusiasm for a good idea while also implying that now is not the time for a full deep dive, or gracefully ending interminably useless meetings that are going fifteen minutes over when you really need some deep breathing and relaxing music instead. And when you do feel a professional spark here and there, notice it and follow it, doing more of whatever that thing is, and less of what feels excruciating.

The truth is, we all have finite amounts of emotional energy; it’s simple math. If you were to burn yourself out giving too much to work right now, that would only set you up to do even lower-quality work in the future. Your energy should go to nourishing yourself as you endure what is happening at home and get on a path to healing (whatever that may look like). Forgive me, but there’s a sports metaphor here somewhere: think of yourself as a valuable athlete on the team, but one who has suffered a mild injury. You can still go to practice, attend team meetings, and keep your roster spot. But you shouldn’t be forcing yourself to play at your usual intensity, or you’ll just hurt yourself further. And in the long run, that would hurt your team even more as well.

3. My employee doesn’t regulate her reactions at work

I have an employee who has struggled for the entire time she’s been employed at our organization (about a year; I did not hire her but took over managing the team about three months into her tenure).

Her work usually meets expectations but she’s had some misses. When she does, I spend 10 times as long dealing with her reaction to the mistake than actually helping her fix the mistake. She says she struggles with anxiety and imposter syndrome. It results in defensiveness, excuses, arguments, and lack of accountability over even small errors.

We had the “come-to-Jesus” talk recently about how this cannot continue and she must learn better coping methods. She’s admitted she is creating these issues and needs to change, but doesn’t know how and is terrified she can’t handle it. I want to see her succeed but I think it’s out of my hands at this point. How can I deal with an employee who wants to improve but maybe just … can’t? 

Alison: Andrea, I’m interested in hearing your take on this! Generally my advice would be that the manager should name what she’s seeing, explain the impact, name what she needs to see instead, and then hold the employee to that like she would any other expectation. But it sounds like she’s started that process and the employee agrees that it’s a problem and wants to change but doesn’t know how to do that. That’s different from someone who just stays defensive and argumentative when you raise the issue. But this also seems like an issue that’s probably bigger than what the manager can solve. What’s your take?

Andrea: I totally agree that this seems to be a scenario where the usual course of action – which seems so beautifully functional when you spell it out like that, Alison! – may come up short. Because the question becomes, is this employee actually capable of change? Many employees who suffer from imposter syndrome and anxiety bend over backwards to fix mistakes and put themselves under hyper-surveillance about their performance – they often apologize too much, so this is an interesting twist that your employee refuses accountability and gets defensive and argumentative. But that’s also a common anxiety response and she is sabotaging herself all the same, so it’s clearly a deep-seated issue.

Now, of course, you can’t be her therapist, but I do wonder what would happen if you got really specific in the moment to help illuminate how she’s falling into that cycle, but also offering an alternative path. So, the next time you are in the throes of one of these overreactions, trying to calmly pause, point out very specifically and respectfully what is happening, and offer her a way out. (“This is an example right now of the pattern we talked about. I see you deflecting responsibility and avoiding the issue, but I am looking to solve it with a path forward. What about doing X?”) So it’s very similar to the overall idea that Alison would normally advise, but it has the twist of being an in-the-moment intervention where you model calm and you get really, really specific to try to see if she can break the pattern. Do you think that feels too personal or therapy-ish for the workplace, Alison?

Alison: I think the focus on action — “I am looking to solve it with a path forward, what about doing X?” — keeps it from being too therapy-ish for the workplace. You’re acknowledging that it’s something she’s struggling with and not pretending that doesn’t exist, but keeping the focus on the work and on work solutions (as opposed to something like “What’s happening for you right now?” — which would be starting down an inappropriately personal path). So I think it’s perfect!

I do think the letter-writer is right to realize that the employee just might not be able to solve this in the amount of time a workplace can reasonably give them to … but it’s reasonable to try this a few times and see if it improves things. If you find yourself regularly needing to say “This is an example right now of the pattern we talked about,” then I think you’ve got to start thinking about whether it’s practical to keep the person in the role. But it makes a lot of sense to try it a few times and see if it helps re-focus the conversation in a more constructive way.

What advice would you give to the employee in this situation? 

Andrea: That’s good to hear, that if the letter-writer stuck to the action-oriented path, that the conversation still falls within the realm of an appropriate professional environment (rather than just the realm of my professional environment – a therapy room – where the rules of what’s appropriate are totally different!)

I do think that the letter-writer has to be realistic about at what point this is simply too much of a hurdle, that the amount of extra support the employee needs is beyond the reasonable bounds of what they can and should be offering as a manager. Because at some point it’s like any other challenge that interferes with an employees’ work – a skills deficit, a motivation issue, a behavioral issue – that could get in the way of them being able to perform their role over the long-term. I think your point about seeing if things get better, and quantifying how regularly it is happening, is crucial for figuring this out. It’s interesting that the letter-writer framed it as “usually meets expectations, but had some misses.” What ratio are we talking about – 90/10? 60/40? That’s key to me. Is this pattern something that is occasional, or is it becoming the default, and bringing down everything – productivity, collaboration, morale – in the process? 

As for my advice to the employee herself, I have a lot of hope for her progress if she truly wants to work on this. Anxiety struggles have now eclipsed depression as the most common psychological challenges that people face, so she is most definitely not alone, and there is lots of good help available. A skilled therapist could help her get to the root of how she developed these patterns, in terms of her thoughts and emotions, and even more important, help build the tools for counteracting her usual reactions in the moment. But if therapy feels out of reach for whatever reason, really targeting the anxiety through some self-help methods could still be very beneficial. There are lots of good resources and books out there (not just my own!) and she’d be wise to look into mindfulness techniques, and the tools of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) specifically. Those will help her label her anxious voice, separate from it, and no longer let it lead her down a path that gets her into trouble. She’ll learn to pause and recognize those unhelpful thoughts in a nonjudgmental, curious and gentle way, and keep from acting on them in ways that sabotage her job -– and her life!

Alison: Excellent advice. Thank you for helping out today, Andrea!

Please check out Andrea’s new podcast, Baggage Check. Today’s premiere tackles signs your workplace is unhealthy, how the search for happiness may be making us miserable, and a conversation with author Lori Gottlieb (Maybe You Should Talk to Someone) about when “meh” therapy is better than nothing. Listen and subscribe today!