getting people to use the right pronouns, finding trans-friendly workplaces, and trans-inclusive hiring

Today Kalani Keahi Adolpho and Stephen G. Krueger join us to answer questions about trans and gender diverse inclusion at work.

Kalani (they/them or he/him) and Stephen (ey/em or he/him) are the authors of the Trans Advice Column. In their day jobs, both are academic librarians who also write and present on trans and gender diverse inclusion in library work. Their most recent project (with Krista McCracken) is the forthcoming book Trans and Gender Diverse Voices in Libraries, an edited volume with chapters by over fifty trans and gender diverse library workers and students.

They’ll take it from here…

Note: We define “trans and gender diverse people” as anyone whose gender does not completely align with the sex that was assigned to them at birth.

1. How do I get my [customers/coworkers/employees] to call [me/my coworker/my employee] by the correct [name/pronouns/salutation] without confusing or upsetting anyone?

We’re summarizing several questions into this one because they’re all basically the same issue, and it’s so incredibly common. Since the answer varies based on who is asking, we’ll break it down into a few categories.

• For the person who is being mispronouned/misgendered: If you’re asking this question, you’re probably fine sharing your pronouns (or at least you’ve decided it’s necessary even if you’d prefer not to need to), so do that wherever you can—email signature, nametag, Zoom name, verbal introductions, etc. Remind and correct people if you’re comfortable doing that. If you have allies at work, especially if they are in positions of power (for example, a manager), ask if they can correct people in group settings like meetings and when you’re not present, if you’d like them to do that. Almost invariably, however, the people asking this question are already doing all of this or have reasons not to. Often, pronoun sharing goes ignored and reminders are met with everything from confusion to hostility. There is no magical thing that trans and gender diverse people can easily do to resolve this; even if the issue is ignorance rather than bigotry, it’s not our responsibility to educate everyone we come across on the most basic aspects of gender and respect. Reminding people to use your pronouns over and over and over is exhausting and demoralizing even if they aren’t actively ignoring you or responding aggressively. And in a workplace context, you may be forced to prioritize making the other person feel comfortable even though they are the one behaving offensively, so you can’t always speak up for yourself or leave without risking professional harm.
• For managers and coworkers: First, do the work to educate yourself about pronouns and practice ones that are unfamiliar to you, especially those you’ll need to use—for example, if you have an employee who goes by they/them pronouns, do the work on your own to get comfortable using these naturally. Don’t rely on corrections from the person affected; if someone has shared their pronouns with you in any form, you need to use them consistently. In addition to this being basic respect, demonstrating the correct language may remind people who forget or are confused. Secondly, if the person asks you for help reminding people, give them space to share what they need but also let them know some specific things you can do to support them (it’s often easier to say “yes, that” than to ask someone for something they may not be able or willing to do, especially if there’s a power dynamic in play). Some things you can volunteer to do include correcting people in the moment or in private later; sharing resources with those who continue to misgender, mispronoun, or deadname your coworker; escalating issues to supervisors or HR; and whatever else makes sense in the specific situation. Managers can be particularly effective at this type of work, and can also push for policy changes. If you’re in a position to do so, make it clear that misgendering, mispronouning, deadnaming, etc. are not interpersonal issues for trans and gender diverse employees to work through with their coworkers; referring to people appropriately is a baseline expectation in the workplace (and intentionally refusing to do so should not be tolerated). If there is pushback, focus on what conduct is expected rather than trying to convince people to change their minds about trans and gender diverse people, which is much more difficult and also not necessary for establishing and enforcing workplace behavior requirements.
• For everyone: The real issue behind this very common question is that ignorance around the existence of trans and gender diverse people (let alone how to talk to and about us) is incredibly pervasive. One aspect of that is that treating trans and gender diverse people, especially nonbinary people, with basic respect isn’t a standard part of workplace etiquette. Ideally, someone would be able to share their pronouns if they wanted to and have those used consistently, at most with some polite reminders and corrections at the beginning. (Actually, an ideal world is one in which nobody’s gender or pronouns are assumed at all, but we’re pretty far from that one.) So really, we’re including this question as a wake-up call to everyone who doesn’t think they’re directly impacted by it. The suggestions above are band-aids at best. There is a real answer, but it isn’t for any of the people asking the question; the solution is for basic trans and gender diverse inclusion to become an expected part of workplace behavior. Very few employers take this issue on at all and even fewer do so effectively, which means all y’all have got to do the work of educating yourselves and each other. You do need to practice using pronouns apart from he or she until it comes naturally, and you do need to break the habit of assuming gender and pronouns based on name or appearance or voice. You may not know that you’re causing harm, because that lack of awareness is part of the widespread ignorance of trans and gender diverse people’s existence. It’s not your fault if a lot of this feels very new—that erasure is overwhelming, intentional, and violent. But it is your responsibility to learn now that you’ve recognized the gaps in your knowledge. This may seem like a huge amount to take on—that’s normal! We wrote about how to learn about trans and gender diverse people to get you started. But this is not optional. I promise that you are interacting with trans and gender diverse people in the world around you, whether or not you realize it, and ignorance on this topic is harmful. The very least you can do is take on the labor of self-education on basic issues like respecting people’s pronouns.

2. Looking for trans-friendly workplaces

I am trans, and because of this I am pretty selective in where I interview, looking for places that are rated highly for diversity. Late last year I was looking for a new job and was interviewing at a place that is particularly highly rated for LGBT+ inclusion. During the interview process, they also impressed me with their consideration towards my name and pronouns. I was given a great offer, which I accepted.

Fast forward to the actual start of work. To make a long story short, this is actually the most transphobic environment I have ever worked in. Myself and other trans people at the company are regularly outed and dead named. I have taken multiple steps within the company to try to address this, but no one seems willing and able to help. Needless to say, I am looking for another job.

My question is about how to prevent this from happening again. This company completely fooled me. They portrayed themselves as extremely trans-friendly and gave every appearance of respecting my gender identity during the interview process. I can’t believe how toxic and transphobic the reality was. I am hoping that you have some ideas on what to ask and/or look for so I can find a safe workplace. Thank you!

This is a very familiar and very frustrating situation to be in, and, unfortunately, there’s no easy answer. There’s no way to completely prevent this from happening because we live in a transphobic (or, at best, ignorant) society, and because most diversity, equity, and inclusion efforts are ornamental. They function as a PR project more than anything else, and so they are more invested in visible signs of inclusion over deeper, structural work. This results in trans and gender diverse people being misled into thinking they’re entering a safe(ish) work environment. But while there is no way to guarantee you’ll never find yourself in this position again, it doesn’t mean there is nothing you can do to minimize the chances of that happening.

When researching and interacting with prospective employers, make sure you keep perspective on what you find. While we do encourage trans and gender diverse people to look up how the workplace they are applying for ranks in terms of LGBT+ inclusion (if that information is available), you can’t take it at face value. Often in these rankings, LGBT+ communities are treated as a monolith; the experiences of cis LGB and trans coworkers are not separated out. Because many companies have no, or very few, openly trans workers, the criteria and results mostly tell us how a particular workplace ranks for cis LGB people in particular areas. If the data is broken down at all, can you tell what sorts of questions are asked? Can you tell how many people were surveyed? Can you tell what their identities are? Additionally, consider that anonymity might be impossible on these types of surveys, and so responding honestly could jeopardize people’s jobs. Basically, while you should probably be concerned if somewhere is rated poorly for LGBT+ inclusion, you shouldn’t necessarily be reassured if they’re rated highly, unless there’s a lot of focus on trans and gender diverse people’s experiences there in particular.

The most effective type of research in gauging how you’ll be treated at a particular workplace is by talking to current or former employees of identities similar to your own. If you don’t know anyone who works there personally, do you have personal or professional networks who can help make connections for you? Groups like the Trans Educators Network(for PK-12 educators) or the Trans and Gender Diverse LIS Network (for library workers) are designed specifically to connect trans and gender diverse people within those fields, so see if you can find anything like that for your profession. It’s very normal to post in these sorts of spaces asking if anyone has knowledge of a particular workplace; since they’re private, you’re likely to get more direct and useful information than you will from the interview. If the employer has an LGBTQ+ affinity group or something similar, ask if you can talk to someone from that, or reach out directly if the group has public contact information. It’s totally reasonable to email an affinity group asking if anyone is willing to talk to you about their experiences at the workplace or asking about specific issues.

While you may get good information this way, keep in mind that experiences of trans and gender diverse people often vary widely within a single institution based off all sorts of factors. Trans men often end up benefiting from male privilege, while nonbinary trans people face even more erasure than trans men and trans women. Someone who goes by their legal name (whether or not they changed it) won’t be outed by having it show up in paperwork, while someone whose name of use is different from their legal name may run into that issue. And of course, the immediate work environment is a defining factor; some supervisors, departments, etc. may be more or less supportive or safe than others. Additionally, trans and gender diverse people may be harmed by ableism, racism, and fatphobia among their coworkers in addition to discrimination and harassment tied to gender (the breakout reports of the U.S. Transgender Survey separate out the results by race and other factors, demonstrating the varied levels of marginalization faced by trans and gender diverse people of different identities). This is another reason why monolithic ratings like “LGBT inclusion” can be pretty meaningless.

When assessing the workplace, look for structural evidence of trans inclusion that goes beyond the hiring process. Workplace culture can be difficult or impossible to assess from the outside, but keep an eye out for systemic examples of trans-inclusive practices. Is the application process trans and gender diverse inclusive by design, or do they add on extra steps to be inclusive once they know you’re trans? Are there all-gender restrooms that are easy to access? Do they have information about their insurance coverage for trans-related healthcare available? Do they have employee affinity groups related to your identity? This isn’t a complete list of questions, but it may help you get some idea of what to look out for.

Lastly, interviews can be good opportunities to find out more. While it’s obviously worse if they don’t respect your name and pronouns during the hiring process, as you’ve found, good practices here aren’t necessarily indicative of how they treat employees. Pay particular attention to the behavior of people you’ll work closely with, since that will impact you much more than anybody else. Look beyond name and pronouns, since those things may be more reflective of how search committees are told to behave than the workplace culture or individual knowledge. From what you’re able to tell, do their policies and procedures include and acknowledge trans and gender diverse people and issues (for example, if it’s a public library, do people have to share their legal gender and use their legal name to get a library card)?

If you want to come out to potential employers (and can do this without risking your livelihood, which many people can’t due to the discrimination against trans and gender diverse people that remains incredibly common), you can ask questions more directly: What has the institution done to support and protect trans and gender diverse employees? How can you expect to be treated as an openly trans person in this workplace? How do they handle issues around coworkers not using someone’s correct name or pronouns? It is important to pay careful attention to how they answer. Are they struggling to come up with examples? Have they done anything tangible, or are they just talking about how open-minded their department is? Is the work all surface-level, or have they done anything more intensive that demonstrates real commitment? Do they acknowledge failures and ongoing difficulties, or do they pretend that everything is great for trans and gender diverse employees (which may be possible but is very unlikely)?

As you’ve unfortunately already learned, there really isn’t a way to know for sure how your experiences as a trans or gender diverse person will be in a new workplace. So in addition to doing the research described above, think about what you need to do in order to protect yourself. Maybe this means coming out in every interview and directly asking about the experiences of trans and gender diverse employees; maybe it means keeping your gender private for a while after starting a job, so that you can make informed decisions once you’ve learned what to expect. The specifics depend on what you’re comfortable with and how selective you can afford to be in your job search. And, of course, no trans or gender diverse person is under any obligation to be out to employers or anybody else, so personal preference is a factor even if professional security isn’t.

To be very clear, this answer is all about self-protection for you because that is what you and a lot of other trans and gender diverse people need to think about for our own safety and comfort. But that in no way should be taken to suggest that any of this is okay or fair. This letter and our answer to it are demonstrative of a deeply broken system which at best forces trans and gender diverse people to worry about all of this when cis people don’t have to, and at worst causes us significant personal and professional harm.

3. Interviewing trans and non-binary applicants

I’m currently on a hiring committee for an open position on my team and we just had an interview with an applicant who seems like a good fit and will be invited for a second interview very soon. However, the name on their application was a different gender than their LinkedIn profile (let’s say Kevin Smith on the profile but Leah Smith on the resume). Between that and the interview, I believe that Leah is trans and has only recently started presenting as their true gender during this job search because they used their resume name and presented as the gender associated with that name.

None of this is a problem of course, and my team is very open and accepting. However, my boss has not had much experience with trans people and is worried about inadvertently offending or causing discomfort to our applicant. I’d recommended to my boss that he verify the applicant’s pronouns (something like, “May I ask what pronouns you use? I use he/him pronouns”) but he either forgot or didn’t feel comfortable doing so in the initial interview. I recommended using they/them when referring to Leah for now until we find out for sure.

So to be clear, the awkwardness I’m feeling from my team isn’t over whether this person is trans (they truly don’t seem to have an issue there), but rather making sure that this applicant is just as comfortable and feels as respected as any cis applicant. When we bring Leah in for their second interview, what’s the best way to broach this question? What are some other “dos and don’ts” for interviewing someone who is trans or nonbinary? I’ve found tons of sites covering interviewing while trans or non-binary, but info from the hiring side seems to be lacking (or I just can’t find it) and I’d love to be able to have some guidelines to bring to my manager for improvements to our overall hiring/interview process.

First things first: Leah’s gender is absolutely none of your business; neither is that of any other candidate or employee. It’s good to regularly assess your workplace and hiring practices for gender inclusion, but do not center that assessment on a specific individual, especially one who has not made the clear and intentional choice to come out in that specific context. Based on your letter, Leah hasn’t done that at all—your assumptions about their gender aren’t based on the materials they supplied to you directly, and names don’t have genders so you can’t assume based on that anyway. While it’s true that there are patterns in some cultures of certain names being associated with particular genders, anyone of any gender can go by any name whether they’re trans or not, so it’s not a hard rule. Additionally, some cultures don’t have the concept of gendered names at all, and in other cultures, the patterns in how names are gendered directly contradict patterns English-speakers might expect, so cultural competency is as much a factor as trans inclusion.

Changing your behavior in hopes of welcoming one person who you think may be trans is likely to be unsuccessful; the changes won’t feel natural to the candidate, because they aren’t, and they won’t be the kind of long-term support that trans and gender diverse employees need. It also misses the point, which is that you should already be operating on the assumption that some of your candidates and employees are trans or gender diverse.

You’re not wrong that there is appallingly little guidance for employers on trans-inclusive hiring, but there are some things you can do generally (not only when you think you have a trans or gender diverse candidate, since that’s not something you can know or should be trying to guess unless they explicitly tell you). But keep in mind that trans-inclusive hiring doesn’t mean changing your behavior when you think a candidate might be trans or gender diverse; it means updating your regular practices so that candidates of all genders are treated well without having to come out. The fact that you’re trying to welcome this particular candidate by behaving differently than usual indicates that you need to make some changes in how your workplace operates generally.

Regarding your main question, you can use language in meetings that invites a candidate to share their pronouns if they’d like to, but don’t put them on the spot by asking directly (and especially don’t do this only when you think they’re trans). In general, the best approach is to share your own pronouns when you meet someone, which demonstrates that you will know what they’re talking about if they choose to do the same. That said, pronoun sharing always needs to be truly optional, so don’t push your boss or anyone else to do it if they seem hesitant to. In a group setting where several people are introducing themselves, the person leading the meeting can say something like “Please share your names, pronouns if you’d like to, and role” (or whatever makes sense in that situation).

If the candidate chooses not to share, then don’t worry about it; it’s not imperative that you learn the pronouns of everyone you interact with. They/them or the person’s name is fine unless a person has told you to use something else (it’s not a bad idea to default to they/them for everyone whose pronouns you don’t know rather than just people you think may be trans, but this takes a lot of practice and is likely to get pushback if you try to enforce it, especially if there hasn’t been widespread staff training to give people context). In future, it’s a good idea to have an optional fill-in-the-blank pronoun field on your job application form, as long as you’re making sure that those on the search committee know to read it and respect anything the candidate puts there.

Here’s a non-exhaustive list of other things you can do to make your hiring process more equitable for trans and gender diverse people:

• For in-person interviews, let the candidate know where to find all of the restrooms (which ideally should include an all-gender option); don’t assume that they’ll use a particular one based on what you think their gender is, and don’t worry about which one they choose.
• Share health insurance information with all candidates early in the process. Whether gender affirming care is covered can be a dealbreaker, and it’s difficult to directly ask about it without outing oneself.
• Post the salary range in your ads (you should be doing this anyway, but it’s a gender inclusion issue because there is a significant wage gap between transgender and cisgender employees).
• Include gender identity and gender expression in your nondiscrimination statement.
• Provide information about policies that often exclude trans and gender diverse people (especially nonbinary people), such as parental leave and dress code, so candidates aren’t left wondering about them. Ideally your workplace will have made sure these policies are gender-inclusive first, but share them either way so candidates can make informed decisions.
• If your workplace has employee affinity groups, reach out to them; they may be interested in providing feedback on your hiring process, and they might be willing to be contacted by candidates outside of the formal interview. Since you can’t know what identities a person holds and you shouldn’t make them out themself by asking who they’d like to talk to, provide information about all such groups to all candidates (after confirming that the groups are comfortable being contacted).

The thing is, all of this is stuff you should be doing generally anyway. If your workplace has a habit of optional pronoun sharing in meetings, it’s likely to happen naturally in interviews. If your employees generally respect people’s pronouns and don’t make assumptions about gender, they’ll do that for candidates. If your building has all-gender restrooms available and you’re in the habit of listing all the options when telling someone where they are, then you’re going to tell the candidate the same thing.

In general, the answer to how to conduct trans-inclusive hiring is simultaneously very simple and extremely complex: it is to have a trans-inclusive workplace, which is a lot more involved than making a few changes in the interview process. There are two reasons for this. First, it is unethical to portray your workplace as something that it is not, even if you mean well; for our own safety, trans and gender diverse candidates need to be able to make informed decisions (see the other letter in this post for a demonstration of the harm that focusing on the appearance of inclusion can cause). Second, if your workplace actually is one where people of all genders can be treated well, this will come through in the hiring process anyway.

“Getting people to use the right pronouns, finding trans-friendly workplaces, and trans-inclusive hiring” by Ask a Manager is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.