my boss wants to check in with my doctor, employer wants to hear our worst lockdown moments, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss wants to be able to check in with my doctor about me

I recently reported to my managers that I am fighting through a rather difficult health issue that is slightly stigmatized in mainstream culture, due to not being understood well. It is slightly sensitive to the profession in which I work, but is a valid health condition. It has impacted certain areas of my performance, but nothing beyond what I believe can be reasonably overcome. My profession is also related to healthcare and healing.

In talking with my managers about returning to my position (after taking needed time off to heal), one of the suggestions from my manager was for them to be placed in contact with my mental health/medical team so that the managers could be in the loop for any reason. (Mind you, my prior lack of performance was in no way harmful to myself or others, just below standard performance and expectations.)

It was mentioned out of what seemed like concern, as if my managers should be somehow involved in my healing process, but it struck me as a bit off (I couldn’t tell if it was care or control, for example). I wondered if you had thoughts on this. Can a manager ask an employee for contact information for an employee’s mental health/wellness team to “check on them,” should anything go awry in the managers’ eyes?

Whoa, no, that is not okay. Your employer can ask for certain information from your doctor as outlined in laws like the Family Medical Leave Act and the Americans With Disabilities Act, but that information is very narrowly in the law and is really only to (a) confirm that you have a condition that qualifies under those laws and/or (b) to explain the need for reasonable accommodations. They can’t ask to be in touch with your medical team so they’re “looped in” on how your treatment is going (and your doctor wouldn’t be able to tell them anyway unless you waived your rights under HIPAA).

Legalities aside, it’s a terribly inappropriate request. Your managers aren’t part of your medical team, and you aren’t their child; you are an adult performing a job. They should not be asking to involve themselves in your private medical affairs.

One option for a response: “I don’t think that would make sense and legally we can’t do it anyway, but if something comes up that’s concerning you, I’d appreciate if you’d flag it for me. If there’s ever a need for me to check with my doctor, I’ll of course handle that privately but will keep you in the loop if something affects works or any needed medical accommodations.”

2. I took a job because I could work from home — but now it sounds like that may change

I got laid off in the beginning of the pandemic right before starting my maternity leave. It was a bit difficult to find a new job in my field with everything that was going on, but I used every single bit of advice I learned from you for searching and interviews and managed to get a job I am excited about, starting next week.

A big reason for me accepting the job offer was that the manager said I could work remotely as much as I wanted to. My boss said they don’t even notice or care who is in the office. When I accepted the offer, I made it clear that the possibility of remote working was a big reason for me accepting the role.

I have prepared a plan for a nanny to take care of my baby at home, with my husband present before lunch and me working from home during the afternoon. We cannot leave our baby alone with a nanny yet, for specific reasons.

However, last week I was visiting my new workplace and my new manager expressed some frustration with employees working remotely, and indicated that there are going to be some changes being made around working from home. I’m now very very stressed. Our set-up for our baby relies on working from home half days. Can or should I address this before I start? And if so what should I say? This new job is very important to me, but so is my child.

It’s reasonable to say that remote work was a big part of why you accepted the job and ask whether that’s changing! I’d contact your new manager and say it this way: “I wanted to check with you about the plans for remote work. Remote work was an important thing I was looking for in a new role and a big part of why I was able to accept the position, so I was concerned by what you said about possible changes in that regard when we talked last week. Can you tell you me more about what’s likely to change?” (You could also specify that your child care arrangements depend on the remote work that was agreed to, if you judge that it would help your case. In some cases it would; in others it might not.)

From there, your next steps would depend on how willing you’d be to walk away from the job over this — but get more info and see where things stand.

3. Employer wants us to share our best and worst lockdown moments

Our office is having a reopening party and while I have no issues with that (vaccinations and masks are required, attendance and continuing remote work are all optional), our general manager sent out an email that included the following paragraph: “Share your lock-down moments! We want to see and hear about some of your best (and worst) moments of lock-down. Please submit your stories and pictures here before April 22nd.”

The thoughtlessness of the request sent my jaw to the floor, where it has remained for days. Share your Covid trauma with your management and colleagues! It’s so wildly out of touch — and to boot, we’re in NYC, which was obviously hit hard and early in the pandemic!

Managers, noooo. For you, the pandemic might have been all learning to bake bread and getting to wear sweatpants every day. For other people, it was loved ones dying (as well as mental health crises, isolation, and a child care cataclysm that still isn’t over).

I’m sure this employer means well — they’re imagining photos of terrible beards and stories about your fifth-grader’s successful mask-sewing business — but it’s awfully insensitive.

4. Do I still have a coop placement?

I’m in my second to last year of an undergrad engineering degree, and my university sponsors a coop placement. I’m happy with where I got matched, but they’ve told me that the original funding fell through. They said they are looking for more funding. It’s now less than a month to when my work term would start, and my emails to them aren’t giving me answers about if I have a job there in three weeks or not. How can I yell for help?

It sounds like, as things stand right now, the job is no longer there. It might return if they find funding, but as of right now it doesn’t exist — so the safest thing is to assume the job is no more and plan accordingly. Contact your university’s coop office immediately (or whoever works with coop placements), explain what happened, and ask for help.

5. I don’t want my coworker talking about my religion

I am a woman in my mid-twenties, working at a small food service business. A few weeks ago, we hired a retired lady who works the same shift as me. Overall she has been friendly, helpful, and effective.

A few days ago, she started talking to me about religion. I had mentioned at one point about a week prior that I practice religion, and a few days ago she started a discussion and told me that she was raised in my religion, but left it as an adult. She listed several reasons why she dislikes my religion and will never go back. Outside of work, I welcome these conversations, but at work I felt like responding would sound preachy or argumentative. She made generalizations about people in my faith that were inaccurate and stereotypical.

Then she started to talk about her marriage because she was married in my faith and was complaining about the process. She got married later in life, and remarked that her marriage is so good because “it’s not like she’s some 22-year-old kid getting married.” I got married at age 21, which she knows.

During this whole time, I had no idea what to say, so I just smiled and nodded. She absolutely has the right to her beliefs, same as I do, but I don’t feel like work is an appropriate place to tell someone all the reasons you dislike their religion or generalize them as a dumb kid because they got married young. I don’t know what to do about this, especially since she is a friend of the owner. What should I do?

If she brings it up again: “I don’t like to talk about religion at work, I’m sure you understand!” And if it continues after that, say more firmly, “I’m not comfortable discussing religion at work. Please don’t keep bringing this up with me.”

Most people will stop at that point unless they are truly A Problem, but if she continues, it really is an okay thing to bring to your manager, even though your coworker is friends with the owner (and even if your manager and owner are the same person). Most managers don’t want their employees harassing other employees about religion and if you can plainly say, “I’ve told her to stop but she keeps bringing it up,” it’s going to be clearly a her problem, not a you problem. (If the business has 15 or more employees, it’s also covered by federal anti-discrimination law, which means your employer is legally obligated to put a stop to it. If you’ve got under 15 employees, they might not be — but check your state laws because some kick in at a lower employee threshold.)