Why You’re Finding It Hard To Leave A Job That Isn’t Right

Deep down, you know it’s time to go. 

But you just can’t seem to leave.

Why are you still there?

Usually, when you’re thinking about why you’re stuck in career change, you focus on the forward motion; what’s clear or unclear ahead of you, the obstacles you might encounter, the steps you need to take.

But you might be staying stuck not because going somewhere is hard, but because leaving is hard.

Consciously or unconsciously, you’re carrying a belief or a way of being that’s keeping you trapped. 

Let’s take a look at what some of these might be…

1. “It’s my fault”

Maybe your unhappiness at work is simply a question of perspective.

Maybe you’ve just got a bad attitude. 

Perhaps if you worked harder, or practiced gratitude a bit more, or talked to your boss in a different way… maybe that would do it.

Be the change you wish to see, right?

On some level, you think it’s your fault that you feel so unfulfilled. You’ve shouldered the responsibility, and you’re beating yourself up for not being able to fix it.

And – here’s the kicker – in a way, you’re actually hoping it’s your fault.

And while that hurts like hell (and you know deep down it’s probably not true), it’s a lot less scary than the big wide unknown.

2. “If I just think positive…”

It might get better once this project is over.

One more chat with your boss might do the trick.

Things can only get better, can’t they? So maybe, soon, they will?

If these sound familiar, you might be one of life’s chronic positive thinkers.

And that’s great… in the right places. A positive mindset can open up new possibilities, motivate you through short-term challenges, and help you learn from mistakes.

But when there is a consistent, long-term lack of empirical evidence that things are going to get better, positivity can also be deeply problematic.

You’re not just staying in an environment where you’re unfulfilled; you’re actively practising self-betrayal. 

Over and over, you tell yourself that what you’re experiencing isn’t real, using your conscious narrative to undermine your instinctive understanding. 

And in so doing, you break your own trust in your experience of the world. 

3. “Winners don’t quit”

To leave would mean to admit defeat. 

To leave would mean to have failed. And failure is unacceptable.

Somewhere in your past, you learned that tolerating discomfort  – or even pain – is a sign of good character.

And without meaning to, you also internalised the flip side: the belief that safeguarding your integrity, walking away from toxicity, protecting your heart and your health and your relationships, choosing the possibility of something better… is shameful.

The thing is, if sturdiness and good character are important to you, then by enduring misery you’re already undermining your values.

Because sturdiness and good character come from integrity, not martyrdom.

And integrity means doing what works; what has your life work. It means dealing with reality, and doing the hard thing even when it’s uncomfortable.

Sometimes, that means walking away.

4. “This is just the way it is”

Life is stressful, right?

And for you, that’s become the default.

Bodies and brains are smart. They adjust, they assimilate. 

So if you’ve been in an environment of discomfort for a long time, eventually it starts to become unexceptional. Par for the course. Bizarre to expect anything else.

Maybe you grew up in a high-stress environment; your brain quite literally developed in a context where tension and anxiety were the default. 

Or perhaps this has been a more recent adjustment – like the metaphorical frog in hot water, your work has slowly conditioned you to expect and accept unacceptable levels of misalignment.

Your friends and family tell you ‘no job is perfect’. They’re probably right.

You’ve resigned yourself to what-is. Even as you rail against it, you haven’t fully grasped and owned the possibility of something better. 

5. “There’s no going back”

Once the resignation letter is in their hand, there’s no going back.

It’s over. 

And then what?

The finality of a decision can be paralysing; especially when you’re not 100% clear on where you’re headed next.

It feels like stepping off a cliff into the dark; full surrender.

As long as you’re vacillating, keeping one foot in and the other out, you’re not yet committed. 

And sometimes, that’s just comfortable enough to sit in for weeks, months, or even years.

6. “They need me”

Have you been there for a long time?

Are you the person everyone comes to with their questions or challenges?

Do you know that there are other problems and challenges in the pipes for the company – ones your manager or teammates are going to struggle with?

Maybe leaving now feels like a betrayal; the people are great, even if the work sucks. And walking away would mean letting them all down.

Deep down, you know that perspective is disrespectful. You know they’ll manage, one way or another. You know you’re important, but not that important.

But as long as you can pass the responsibility for your inaction onto a perceived ineptitude of others, you don’t have to face yourself fully.

They’ll miss you, but they’ll be OK. And so will you.

7. “This never goes well…”

Have you been burned by endings before?

Maybe you lost your job in the past and it took longer than you’d expected to find your next one. 

Perhaps your last romantic breakup was a complete dumpster fire, and it’s left you apprehensive about anything that resembles a ‘goodbye’.

You may not be actively conscious of it, but your past experience has settled itself into your muscle memory. 

There’s a knee-jerk aversion at play, nudging you off-course over and over again from the fear of what might happen if you initiate an ending.

So you stay, wanting to have left, but not wanting to do the leaving part.

What to do

1. Reframe the name

Is this an ‘ending’, or is it something else?

Often in situations like this, we default to thinking in terms of words like ‘ending’, ‘leaving’, ‘walking away’, and these words have a sense of loss or even defeat to them. 

But how about ‘completion’? Or ‘graduation’, even?

Rather than giving up on something, it may be that you’ve experienced what you needed to experience, you’ve gained a lot, but now it’s time for the next thing.

Naming what you’re doing in a way that feels both positive and true can help you to feel more at peace.

2. Separate ‘exploring’ from ‘shifting’

Making a career change doesn’t have to start with ending your current career.

It can start with exploring what’s out there, and what you might want.

And by giving yourself the space to explore, commitment-free, you’ll discover new options you didn’t know were available before. You’ll start to believe that a more fulfilling career might actually be achievable. 

As the possibility of something new becomes stronger and clearer, its gravitational pull will grow, too.

3. Seek hard evidence

Sometimes, our noisiest internal narratives aren’t reflections of what’s happening around us; they’re old stories mapped onto new realities.

They appear sturdy and true – but scrape the surface, and you quickly discover there’s nothing in the here-and-now that supports them.

Take some time to write down the facts of your situation; cold, hard, unembellished data. 

• What is actually happening in your day to day?
   
• How are you feeling, physically, mentally and emotionally?
   
• If you’re holding out for things to get better: when was the last time that happened?
   
• On a scale of 1-10, how stressed and tired are you, and how consistently? Is that normal?
   
• What have you tried so far to address the situation at work – and has it meaningfully improved as a direct result?
   
• What evidence do you have that moving on would be worse than staying?
   
• What evidence do you have that staying would be worse than moving on?

4. Think in cycles

If this ending were actually a beginning, what would the next stage of your life be about?

The world moves in cycles; from the grandeur of a planetary orbit all the way down to the life cycle of an ant. 

And there you are, right in the middle, furiously battling against a crucial stage of a cycle in your own life.

Shift the focus from this as an ‘ending’ to this as a ‘beginning’ – or even the ‘middle’. 

What is this ending making space for? What’s possible for you and your life as a direct result? 

In concrete terms, the ‘ending’ part of the cycle is very short. And what remains after you take that step is everything else.

5. Take a little trip through time

Take a look at the date today. 

Now add ten years. 

Imagine yourself on that date, ten years from now, sitting across the table from the ‘you’ that’s here now.

• What might that older, wiser version of ‘you’ want you to know? 
   
• What might they ask you to do? 
   
• What might they thank you for? 
   
• What guidance might they share with you?

Ultimately, your choices right now are in service of them, not you-right-now. 

So bring them into the conversation. Give them a place at the table. And listen.

6. Be gentle with yourself

Endings are allowed to be emotional experiences.

You’re allowed to feel nervous and unsure. 

It’s OK to have doubts, to have worries, to question things.

Suppressing your experience doesn’t make it go away – it simply delays the process.

So feel what there is to feel. Give the voices in your head room to be heard.

And then do what you know in your bones is the right thing to do, whatever that might be; gently, firmly, and one step at a time. 

Which of these internal narratives do you recognise – and what approach are you taking to them? Let me know in the comments below…